


Confess

by StillWinchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Coda, Confessions, Dean Winchester Confesses Feelings for Castiel, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Episode: s10e16 Paint It Black, Fix-It, Homophobic John Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Mark of Cain (Supernatural), POV Bisexual Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:36:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28619673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StillWinchester/pseuds/StillWinchester
Summary: I mean, you know, there’s... there’s things, there’s…people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time.What if the scene from 10x16 would look a little different?
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 61





	Confess

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Confess](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28633098) by [elfffox](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elfffox/pseuds/elfffox)



> I'm pretty sure that in 10x16 Dean wanted to come out. So, he did it in this version. Someway.

**Confess**

_I mean, you know, there’s... there’s things, there’s…people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time._

“Keep going,” encourages the priest who can hear a fear in Dean's voice. He wants to push him just a little to confession.

Dean gulps and licks his lips. Why are his hands wet right now? He shouldn't be so nervous.

“I think it was always inside me, but I pushed it away. It was an easier way, hiding real feelings. And my father... He would be mad, and thought about this has stopped me. Now, I don't know what to do,” Dean says, tapping his fingers on his thigh. “I've never told it out loud before. Even to myself, and I'm not sure if I’m able to do it now.”

“Take your time if you need,” says the priest calmly. On his life, he heard lots of confessions, but he still wants to be helpful. He knows that talking can bring a big relief. So, he waits.

Dean clenches his fist and closes his eyes, then whispers: “Okay... I'm... I'm... I can't.”

There is silence for the moment, and when the priest is sure that Dean won't finish a sentence, he asks: “Do you believe in God, agent?”

A few years ago, he would say he doesn't, but now... Everything is different, he met the angels, he stopped the Apocalypse.

“I know He exists,” he answers.

“It's not what I'm asking about. Do you _believe_ in Him?”

“No, God's gone.” He is sure about that. God left a long time ago, abandoning all of them.

“God loves everyone. Only people can hate, and when they’re doing all of this 'in the name of the Lord', it's a lie. They're just looking an excuse. God would never like to hurt his children. He's here, everywhere, and He believes in us.”

“No, I don't think so,” mumbles Dean.

“God wants to us to love all our neighbors no matter what. And in the Catholic Church we respect that. It's irrelevant who you are, we accept you. But the most important is if you accept yourself?”

“I... I don't know.”

He really doesn't. Probably not, he only tolerates himself, but not accept. Sometimes, he hears a tiny voice in his head which is talking to him that he's not worth anything what he got. He should suffer for being... _himself_?

“What do you afraid of?” asks father Delaney.

“I'm not sure… a little bit of everything.”

“Why are you here, agent? What is your real burden?”

It is the point of this conversation. Dean feels itching at the site of Mark of Cain, but he doesn't touch his forearm. He clears his throat.

“I love some people... I don't say it often, especially to them. I don't wanna lose them, and I don't wanna hurt them. I think... this is my biggest fear.”

“This people... Who are they?”

“My brother, my friends... and him,” Dean says it in shaking voice. Why is it so hard?

“Him?”

“Yeah, I can't be pretending anymore... I-I'm in love with him.”

He can't believe he said it. For the first time, he said he loved Cas. He takes a deep breath, feeling a pain in his heart. It's burning.

“And why does it bother you so much?” asks the priest like he would know what is in Dean's head. 

“Because he's my best friend and he... he is a man. I mean he looks like a man. And I know... I know it's wrong.”

_Because it's Cas. It's Cas. Cas._

Angel of the Lord who deserves the best. And Dean... He is the worst.

“Why?” 

“Because...” he sobs. “I'm broken... It's not a way I was raised.”

If John could see him now. Daddy's little soldier who is pathetic and weak.

“Are you going to tell him what you feel?” It isn't actually a question, more like advice.

“No, it would destroy him. He sacrificed everything for me, and I can't do this to him.”

Friendship with Cas... It is the one of only few things which keeps him sane. He can't lose it, not now. Not ever. 

“Agent, tell me one thing. Are you scared of rejection? Or maybe are you scared that he feels the same way?”

Dean laughs bitterly. Cas would never love him, not like this.

“No, I'm sure he wouldn't.”

“Why?” asks the priest again, and Dean thinks, it's over of this conversation. 

“Because I... because it's me,” he finishes. “Thanks for talk. Amen.”

He knocks on the confessional and goes away.


End file.
